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Post by Rian on Jun 18, 2009 0:07:51 GMT
sounds good - thanks!
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Post by Valandil on Jun 20, 2009 6:18:15 GMT
Finally filled placeholder - reply #90, top post of page 10. Please see and comment, especially: 1. Is Eryndil's action toward Daurendil reasonable and believable, given the circumstances? And - is Daurendil's reaction (or lack thereof) also feasible? 2. Rian - any changes to Caelen? Anything you'd like to add? 3. I put in a pair of twittering servant girls (Tamyris & Sirien). 4. Interjected a little for the Queen - might open an opportunity for Gildurien to have more contact with the Queen (the reason for which she might easily misconstrue) - and also give the Queen sufficient motivation to be a little tipsy when the messengers arrive from Amon Sul. 5. Let me know if there's anything else. Sorry for the big holdup. If sorry is even any good any more.
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Post by Gordis on Jun 20, 2009 9:38:51 GMT
Lovely post, Val! And it is so good to see you finally posting. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to post after a long delay - I personally have to painfully squeeze every word out of me once the drive is lost... So, thank you indeed for the effort! Now to your post. If you look at the previous post #89, you will see the final part in red. We have to delete the red lines, as part of it (about Rhaglas) is now not applicable. Yet the reason for Eryndil's anger is well explained there (it can be a bit unclear to the readers why Daurendil's sharing a drink with Caelen made Eryndil so mad). I advise to add these words to the end of the first paragraph of your post, like that: The end of the dance had taken Eryndil and Tarniel to the opposite end of the dance area from Caelen and Daurnedil. He bowed to his partner and then stole a quick glance in Caelen’s direction as he prepared to escort Tarniel the short distance back to her waiting family and attendants.What he saw irritated him immensely - the audacious Prince had the nerve to be sharing a couples-cup with Caelen, right in front of everyone! "I'll kill him!" he muttered under his breath in exasperation. The next thing he knew, he had taken about ten hard steps in Caelen’s direction – leaving an abandoned Tarniel to find her own way back to her station. etc I think Eryndil's actions are quite adequate: a slap in the face would be way too much. Also don''t forget that Dau had recently saved Eryndil's life and showered him with gifts. Pity Dau's actions are so inconsistent - he swings here and there like a mad pendulum. As to Dau's reaction, IMO, it must be mostly hot shame, not anger. When Dau is furious, he immediately acts upon it, let us face it. Now he feels hopelessly beaten, ashamed, and starts drinking heavily as is described in the next post. Then at home. Don't you think that the newlyweds would be assigned a new master bedroom, instead of spending their wedding night on Eryndil's narrow bed? Ah, yes, and another thing. What is the point for E&C to change into the evening gowns instead of nightgowns straight away? ;D
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Post by Valandil on Jun 20, 2009 13:50:59 GMT
Thanks Gordis.
I'll make the change to 'night' gowns right away. I meant sleeping gear - and that's a better term than the one I used.
I'll check over what other change I might need to make. I may leave out the "I'll kill him" - I think someone else already has that - and I'm just making Eryndil so mad that he doesn't even remember just what he said.
Hmmm... a small narrow bed is not at all bad for newlyweds maybe. ;D I think Eryndil already has the best room in the house - at least his favorite. Maybe they previously changed the bed - or maybe it was already a full-sized bed (he would have no reason previously to downsize if the place already contained a large one).
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Post by Valandil on Jun 20, 2009 14:03:04 GMT
Gordis - I'm not quite sure about the changes you're suggesting. I don't remember fully if something different was there before (was it? did you take anything out?). Did you just insert that into #89 since I added my post?
The biggest inconsistency is that - we determined there was already a second dance after the Nothwa Swing. What you add goes back to making it seem like this is happening right after the Swing.
I'll change to nightgowns, and I'll add mention of the couple's cup - but I need to understand what else needs to be changed and why before I make any other alterations, because I want to make sure we remain consistent.
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Post by Gordis on Jun 21, 2009 5:20:03 GMT
Gordis - I'm not quite sure about the changes you're suggesting. I don't remember fully if something different was there before (was it? did you take anything out?). Did you just insert that into #89 since I added my post? The biggest inconsistency is that - we determined there was already a second dance after the Nothwa Swing. What you add goes back to making it seem like this is happening right after the Swing. The part in question in post #89 was written by Rian long ago - her suggestions for your future Eryndil's post. I have only highlighted the text in red. We will have to delete it: because indeed it implies one dance, not two, and conversation Eryndil-Rhaglas instead of the second dance. But there are also a few lines that I suggest to keep and incorporate in your post, because they explain Eryndil's reaction to the readers (what is there so irritating about sharing a drink): What he saw irritated him immensely - the audacious Prince had the nerve to be sharing a couples-cup with Caelen, right in front of everyone! "I'll kill him!" he muttered under his breath in exasperation.Of course you are free to edit it as you like...
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Post by Valandil on Jun 21, 2009 11:37:55 GMT
I already added a reference to the 'couple's cup" - briefer than your suggested wording, but it's there - please see.
In my current version, Eryndil might have said, "I'll kill him" - but might not have. He was angry enough to not remember what was said.
I'm still a little hesitant to have Eryndil say something so strong. And - what will soon become so apparently 'self-incriminating'. I think the circumstances will appear to give Eryndil enough motivation, without witnesses having heard these words as well.
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Post by Voronwen on Jun 21, 2009 18:52:52 GMT
3. I put in a pair of twittering servant girls (Tamyris & Sirien). LOL, perfect! ETA, i need to bring Tamy away from her bout of seriousness. I wanted to show her history, and the side of her that is more substantial, but i do not intend for her to become a depressive or tragic character. I want to keep her on the slightly light & comical side. Any suggestions, anyone, for bringing her back around? Maybe i need to bring her back out to the litterboxes, and let Aegnor find her up to her elbows in mewing cats and kitty litter? ;D OK, i have added a short tag on to the end of the last Tamyris post. I've sent her down again to the cats, and made a brief mention of her relationship to Nimraen. She still can't get Aegnor out of her mind, though.
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Post by Valandil on Jun 22, 2009 4:14:20 GMT
Help for an Aging Memory?
Maybe we need some kind of "cultural references" thread to track these things.
I vaguely remember that some time back there was a post (I think it was one of mine, but can't even be sure of that) where we created a name, and thought this person might be the Rhudaurian (or even Arnorian?) equivalent of a Shakespeare. Does anyone else remember that, or where we posted it, or what the name was?
I actually had wanted to use that name again, in Eryndil's speaking to Daurendil - but just substituted 'the philosopher', when I couldn't come up with the name of the Arnorian Bard.
Anything jogged in anyone's memory?
Thanks.
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Post by Valandil on Jun 23, 2009 4:48:26 GMT
Well... I had hoped to REALLY break through, and write a couple more posts before leaving on a 2-week vacation, but I wasn't able. Today my oldest had a baseball game, and then I went to a wake (fairly young man - passed away at 49 from cancer - good friends with the family who were long-time active members at my church).
I'll try to get on it when I get back.
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